6. Cooking, Events, Writing....

Dear Baby,

We made the appointment baby, the appointment that will help us figure out a timeline for your creation. I’m excited and a little afraid. We have less than 2 weeks.

What else is new? I am getting more comfortable in the kitchen. I have made refried beans, English pasties, and lasagna…. Add that to my chicken recipes and I feel pretty domestic goddess like nowadays!

Daddy loved my lasagna. He said "Damn, honey, this is good!" Hee! It made me so happy. I love making lasagna, I anticipate many many more in our future.

speaking of him, yesterday Daddy and I spend the whole day together. We had coffee, we watched TV, we relaxed… It was lovely. He is such a great partner!

Oh yes, the Open Mic night went off with only one little hitch (a few people left during intermission). I am glad to know my event coordination skills haven’t rusted completely away. I’m glad. Now I get to start planning the Health Awareness Day for September at the center. I am really excited.

After the Open Mic event, Daddy and I hung out with our friend Keith and talked into the night. We talked about food, about how we were raised, about all sorts of odds and ends. It was so very relaxing.

The whole point of the evening was to celebrate the anthology Our Stories, Voices of the LGBT+ Anthology. I wonder if you will like to write as I do, little one. I wonder what your experience will be.

Grandma and Grandpa Lee were in Bend Oregon this weekend. They are retirement shopping. I hope they are still local when you are little, I want you to have lots of memories of them.

I am tired baby, my article for tomorrow was one of the hardest I have had to write. It was all about free speech and limits to free speech and the responsibilities of the influential and powerful to use their speech for good… I wonder if there will be any backlash for the article.

I need to get ready for bed, clean sheets and a new book await me… One Hundred Years of Solitude.

5. Aunts

Dear Baby,

I talked to your Aunt Gina last night. She is excited about her first date with Peter. I know it’s silly, but I couldn’t help but wonder if Peter will be a name you know. Will he be Uncle Pete to you or will the romance have spent itself before you are even aware, only to be dredged up by your aunt in one of those conversations of “there was this one time…” A conversation that you might have with her down the road when you need an aunt perspective and not a mom perspective?

I think that aspect of not knowing, that bit of potential, that bench mark HEREE where everything before is, before… and everything that comes from now will always be from this moment… I like that feeling.

Then I talked to Aunt Kristen. She is heading into her final year of college; I’m so proud of her. She squealed as if you were already created. She can’t wait to meet you. She is the first person I told about these letters. We have gotten closer than I ever imagine we would. She totally understood the point of the letters even if it is still a bit vague for me.

I guess I want a diary of what life was like for me before you. I would have loved reading something like this from my mom.

Anyway, these letters are my notes to you and to me. More than any other writing that I do, I want these to hold weight for you.

Speaking of aunts… I know you are going to love your Auntie Ree. She has been my Auntie Ree ever since I was a baby. See my mom, your Grandma and her little sister, called her “Rain” and as a baby I couldn’t say “Rain”, I said “Ree”. I call her my second mother when introducing her to my friends but to you she will be Auntie Ree.

Auntie Ree lives in Sacramento and teaches speech pathology to kids. When she was getting her Masters at sac State, I was there getting my BA. Study partner, cheer squad, laundry companion… even a short lived Bible Study group, she was always there for me.

At Base Lake August 2011

She is just another in the long line of people I can’t wait for you to meet.

4. Oatmeal and Life

Dear Baby,

On the way to the community center for my shift, I talked to your Aunt Annie. She is excited too and immediately started to tell me all about the different vitamin supplements I should start taking, even before we create you. I’ll look into it for sure. Anything I can do to help my body be a better safer healthier place for you, I want to do.

I need to get my cholesterol down and I want to lose a bit of weight. This involves eating oatmeal for breakfast and not buying cookies. 

Baby, I hate oatmeal. Hate. But for you, I’ll eat it.

/gag/

Had a meeting today with other community leaders on how to help stop the spread of HIV in Fresno. 

Sometimes meetings like this make me wonder if I am being selfish even thinking about having you, about bringing you into this world. This world is dark, dear baby, and frightening.

Then, right before I left I took a phone call from an elderly lady who was so thankful for our outreach, so happy that her grandson would be coming out in a friendly place with people around him that could love him for who he is.

I remembered that the world being dark just gives us extra chances to bring light. Doing good matters. I am so glad I get to be part of the good in the world, even if it is only a little bit.

3. Telling and Home

Dear Baby,

I told your Uncle Mark about the fact that we are starting to plan for you last night. He is excited of course. He is in the process of buying a condo in downtown San Jose. I am happy for him, and a tad jealous. Daddy and I are renting an apartment here in Fresno, and while we like it and it has enough room for us and you eventually, we do hope to move somewhere a bit more family-like down the road.

It isn't that Uncle Mark is moving to a new place, it is that his new place has a sense of permanency to it that we just don't have. I haven't lived anywhere longer than a year and a half since I was 17, little baby. Almost half my life. I really don't want that to be your experience, I want you to have a sense of place, of roots, of home.

Someday we will move from Fresno and hopefully wherever we move to will be a good permanent place for our little family. In the meantime...

Today was a busy day for me and I didn’t eat as healthy as I should have. When Daddy is in the field, it is sometimes hard for me to make myself eat a good healthy dinner. I’ll try to do better tomorrow.

Daddy is gone this week. He misses home, and I miss him. Thankfully Olive the cat keeps me company. 

Tonight I played World of Warcraft and worked on my current crochet project: a little blue and green bag. I need all the crochet practice I can get if I am going to make you a blanket or a stuffed bunny or a little baby hat...

2. Buying a Pregnancy Book

Dear Baby,

I bought a book about pregnancy and read the first chapter. I guess I should have started with a book about getting pregnant, but I was just so excited. I’ll go to the library and get one on that topic next week. This might sound weird to you, but I bought the pregnancy book at Borders, a bookstore that is currently going out of business. Will there be bookstores for you to go to when you are old enough to go? I hope so. I love bookstores. I love wandering the aisles and smelling that very distinct new book smell. I like seeing tables piled high with new fiction, shelves leaning with the weight of discount coffee table books, the kids section always a bit messy…

Anyway, I was at Borders surrounded by Sale signs and it was a little intimidating. There are a lot of books about babies, having them, raising them, feeding them, creating them…. How to pick the right one?

And that is when I learned a secret that I guess was only a secret to me. Mothers want to instinctively help other mothers. I stood there confused for perhaps ten seconds before a tiny flock of mothers appeared and started giving me advice. After I picked out the book I wanted, and after I found Daddy in the Sci Fi section, we stood in line. One of the mothers from the Baby section was in line behind us and when our eyes met she smiled at me, a small, “we’re in this together” sort of smile.

I sort of wish I could have spent more money on books while we were there… There are so many I want you to have!

You, little baby, are going to have a lot of books if I have anything to say about it. And we will be frequent visitors to the library. I can’t wait to read to you.

1. We Decided

Dear Baby,

Or rather, baby to be, someday, maybe. Daddy and I had a talk yesterday, a big talk, a talk in a long series of talks. We decided that for right now we are going to plan on having a baby (you!) We don’t know when we will start to try to create you, or even if we will be able to… but we have a plan, and for now, that is enough.

I am going to go to the doctor in a few months and find out what our timeline whould be, for now though, we just relax, enjoy the idea of you and get ready.

We both have lists, little baby, lists of things we want to do before you arrive. Some are things we want to do before you are even created. I’ll tell you all about them later. 

Right now, I want to enjoy the vague possibility of you.

I decided to write you these letters while I was drying off after my morning swim. It was hot and I knew I couldn't stay out too long, but I love the feel of the sun on my legs.

My legs in the sun.

Your daddy taught me how to swim, I'm sure he will do the same for you someday.